Tuesday, October 28, 2008

In case I need some character witnesses,

you guys will all vouch for me, right? 'Cause I swear I was TOTALLY joking when I was checking out at Lowe's earlier this afternoon, acquiring supplies for the Fall Fun House at Kiddo's elementary school, of which I am in charge. By supplies, I mean eight, count 'em, EIGHT, rolls of duct tape. Nothing else. (This was per the P.E. teacher's request; the FFH is held in her gym and apparently nothing short of duct tape will stick to the walls.)



As I was setting roll after roll of duct tape on the counter, the cashier's eyes were growing wider and wider and her carefully-plucked-to-one-hair-thickness eyebrows were going further and further up her forehead. So, I grinned, gave her a "what can ya do?" shrug, and said "Well, you know, the time-outs just aren't working, and I've got to do something to get my kid to behave..."

I swear to you, she believed me. She looked positively panic-stricken and utterly horrified, and her eyes began darting about, as if to flag a passing CSM on the down-low to call 911 or CPS or something. Even when I explained the true purpose of my duct tape extravaganza and produced the PTA's tax-exempt certificate to back up my story and purchase, she still seemed quite suspicious. I wouldn't be at all surprised if she copied down my license plate number off the parking lot surveillance cameras and calls me in. So, like I said, if I get hauled off for allegedly duct-taping my child into her room, you guys have my back, right? Right?

Honestly, I didn't think it was that outrageous a remark to make, or I wouldn't have made it. When I related this anecdote to Hubby afterwards, he said "That was pretty ballsy of you to say" and I was a little "Huh?" because, you know, Hubby knows me and my sense of humor and I really didn't think it was that bad. I mean, this is me, the one who, with Hubby, told the social worker with a straight face that our discipline plan was to lock our children in the basement and if that didn't work, then we'd go to the beating with pointy sticks during our adoption home study interview. She knew we were kidding... Maybe it was my hair. It's larger than usual today, thanks to the weather and the wind, so it was looking a wee bit more "mad scientist" than usual...



(Oh and PS - Lowe's was my last stop for the FFH shopping spree. I hit the mega-jackpot at Michael's, with ka-razy sales on their fall decor. I felt like I was on Supermarket Sweep or something, with the amount of stuff I was cramming into my cart. It was all 70% off or better, so WOO-HOO!! That left me enough money - after picking up the duct tape, of course - that I'll be able to feed our volunteers donut holes and possibly even cider on Thursday and Friday. Woo!)

In other news, the child for whom multiple rolls of duct tape are required if you believe me the way that poor, teenaged cashier did brought home her school pictures today. Despite the fear that HappyHourSue struck into my heart with this tale of Picture Day, Kiddo's picture is pretty darn cute. So cute that I'm mightily tempted to post it here on my blog for the world to see. I'm just a little paranoid about the pervy internet weirdos... (I seriously get some mighty weird Google search hits - folks that have NO business poking about my poor, little blog ramblings!) I'm considering posting it.... we'll see. But at any rate, like I told Sue in the comments section of her blog (which, btw, if you haven't checked it out, you must - she is hilarious despite her questionable cougar crush on various Jonas Brothers), my theory of School Photo Karma turned out to be correct. Because I myself never took a cute school photo in my life (they were Fugly with a capital F - I mean, I've never been pretty, but the school pictures were an extra level of YIKES!), Kiddo is apparently going to be blessed with decent pics herself now. (This year's kindy photo is only her second; last year's preschool picture was also cute.) So, whew on that and if you're on the family-n-friends list, be looking for a wallet sized beauty to be heading your way shortly...

14 comments:

Eudea-Mamia said...

My adorable, precious, chick-magnet of a son has NEVER taken a bad shot - until these school pictures.

They're awful! Poor little dude. It looks like the photographer made a lewd comment right before he snapped, and Oldest is trying to do that "I'm cool with that, but no, I'm not really" laugh. Ugh.

Glad you had better luck. Off to check out Sue.

Oh, and you know I would've totally laughed and told you to go back and get another roll on the house if I were your cashier.

Funny stuff! Good thing the PTA didn't need a new shovel.

Em

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

LOL - I would have said the same thing... for SURE.... and had I been the cashier, I would have laughed my arse off.

Teacher said...

So Funny! It wasn't too "ballsy" of a comment. Plus, Kiddo would probably scwarm her way out of the tape. Have no fears! Just a joke!

Mer said...

My dd is reading over my shoulder and said, "what's with the duct tape?"

I had to resist the urge to say, "it's for YOU! Bwaaa haa haa haaaaaa!" ;)

Andrea said...

That is too funny! (I'll take some of that duct tape though, I've got a toddler gone mad over here).

Momof3 said...

We always get the smallest packet of school pictures, mainly to get the class photo.

Then we got to JC's to get yearly shots, mainly so we can also get group shots done and so I can pick out the best ones myself!

Debbie said...

There have been moments - oh there have been moments! How hysterical that she believed you. Sounds like something that would certainly happen to me. Humor is in short supply out there.

My name is Andy. said...

I'll bail you out if need be! The cashier would not have been happy with the use of excessive duct tape at Liam's school recently.

The kids duct taped a teacher to the wall!

It was one of the incentives for raising X amount of money for the Terry Fox run. So the teacher stood on a chair, back to the wall and every kid got to add more and more duct tape till they could take the chairs away!

I hope you have as much fun with your tape!

Ronnica said...

You can tie her down with only 8 rolls of duct tape? Oh, I shouldn't implicate myself as well...

I make jokes like that sometimes, and it surprises me when the person doesn't get them because then I look really bad. One time a parent was late from picking up his girls from Awana (they were in 3rd and 5th grades at the time, I think) and when he apologized for being late I said, "No problem, if you hadn't showed up I would have made them walk home." (It was already after dark, too.) He gave me a glare, because apparently they only live about a mile from the church (though most of our members live substantially further, so I would obviously would be making a joke).

Angie Atkinson said...

LOL, that sounds exactly like something I'd do haha. In fact, I just mentioned to a friend on the phone today that "it's too bad it's illegal to duct-tape them to the wall" hahahha. Don't worry, most moms feel you. Have a fabulous day!

PS I love your blog! Great sense of humor and fun outlook on the world! I'll certainly be back. :)

Jamie said...

OMG! Tooo funny. A couple posts back you posted that someone stole you Obama/Biden sign....well someone also stole our Obama sign...Who does that?!

momto1 said...

Hi ya...got some Blog Bling for you over on my blog! It's a major award!

LOL at the duct tape story-sounds like something I'd say!

Scary Mommy said...

Ha! I'm always getting into trouble making comments like that. Your blog buddies get you! :)

Carrie said...

Okay, seriously people--GET A FREAKING SENSE OF HUMOR!! That was the funniest thing I've ever heard!! How ridiculous that she thought you could possibly ever be serious...unbelieveable!