Monday, November 17, 2008

Edited: A public restroom nightmare

(I have decided, upon hearing that folks might be linking to this tale of woe, to break out the two very different topics into two separate posts. 'Cause I'm guessing the folks that might want to actually - oh dear me - read this bit might not be so interested in the goings-on of our fight with the school district. That portion will now be in its own post below this one.)

In other news, that norovirus? So not good for being out in public. (WARNING: THIS IS ABOUT TO GET GORY. CONSIDER YOURSELVES WARNED - THOSE WITH MORE DELICATE SENSIBILITIES MAY WANT TO STOP READING RIGHT ABOUT NOW.) You see, I had to make a quick stop at the grocery store on my way home from the meeting, to restock on bananas, saltines, chicken broth and ginger ale. Kiddo's only in-town grandma had come over to watch her so we could go to the meeting, and I wanted to take advantage and not have to take Kiddo out with her fever - especially in the ridiculous snow showers we had this morning - for supplies later on in the day.

So there I was, attempting to zip quickly through the store for those few items I needed, none of which, of course, are located anywhere near each other. (They need to rethink how they stock grocery stores: the Stomach Bug Aisle, for example, with the ginger ale, saltines and broth, and the Head Cold aisle, with the Puffs Plus and the Nyquil and the Throat Coat tea, oh and then the PMS aisle, with the Midol and the chocolate and the Cheez Doodles... THAT would be a dream shopping scenario, dontcha think?) It was hard to "zip" when I was being bent double by abdominal cramping every thirty seconds or so. Eventually, and of course while I was at the furthest possible point from the bathrooms, I had to make a call: Can I make it home to the sanctity of my own bathroom, or should I make a run for the bathrooms in the store? Not wanting to explode in my car on the way home (as I wasn't wearing my Oops, I Crapped my Pants undies today*), I decided to take a quick stroll up to the public bathrooms.

Now, I am pretty sure we've all been there - when you have to make a visit to the restroom even though you'd really rather save such business for the privacy of your own home. (We all have been there, haven't we? Tell me I'm not the only one who's had to face this horrible situation...) I had my fingers crossed that the bathroom would be devoid of other women. I lucked out in that regard. Alas, this was just a three-seater, not the more preferable many stalled, easier-to-hide sized bathroom. I thought for a fleeting second of using the family bathroom, but having been in need of that room for changing a squirmy baby myself in days gone by and having been stymied by a non-family-type-person using it, forcing me to have to change the squirming baby elsewhere, I opted to suck it up and deal with the more public women's room. (Okay, I lied. I only didn't use it because it was already occupied. I would totally have used that one if it had been open. Not only for the privacy, but I figured I could at least blame any soon-to-be-happening funk on the diapers in the trash can. Sue me.) I shut myself in a stall and began praying that I would finish with my funking before any other wayward woman wandered in for a hand-washing or something.

And funk it up I did. It was one of those terrible, horrible, no-way-to-disguise-what-was-transpiring sort of funkings. There was noise, there was odor. Sweet fancy Moses, was there odor. There were not enough courtesy flushes in the world to stop or even sufficiently quash the odor or sounds blasting forth. Unfortunately, my bowels had apparently decided to open up some portal of Hell, and things went on in this loud and odoriferous way for waaaay longer than I'd hoped. It seemed like hours, though in actuality it was less than ten minutes. Once, I heard the door to the restroom squeak open, but apparently that woman took one whiff and opted to hold it 'til she got home. Then, a few moments later, the door opened again. This time, someone dared enter. She used the stall next to me, and then took her time with washing her hands and fluffing her hair in the mirror. I could see a teensy sliver of her through the crack in the door - she was an older woman, and so I hoped she was hard of both hearing and smelling. As she tossed her paper towel into the trash and secured her plastic head kerchief under her chin, she muttered "Whew, that's bad." and then made her escape. Great. Now I had to deal with Walking Out of the Bathroom Post-Funking. I, the Funker. As soon as it seemed safe to stand and move on with the Walk of Shame, I did so. As I flushed for the last time, another person walked in to the bathroom. Great - now what? Stay hiding in the stall and wait her out, or just walk out of the stall and pretend that the smell preceded my arrival? I opted to wait for her to enter a stall, then zipped out, washed my hands and BOLTED from the bathroom.

I think I'm going to start carrying one of these around in my purse at all times... though today's Funking probably would've laughed at the tiny cloud emitted by a one ounce spray can. I'd probably need the jumbo size - gonna have to get myself a bigger purse! In the meantime, I'm just glad there are other grocery stores in near enough proximity to my house. I figure in another year or so, I'll be brave enough to return to shop at the one I Funked today.

In less disgustingly detailed news, I was wiped out when I got home from the meeting and the shopping/funking trip. So wiped out that I let Kiddo watch the new Tinkerbell DVD (thanks Redbox!) twice in a row so I could curl up on the couch under a couple of fleece throw blankets and the cat and moan quietly. So wiped out that Kiddo and I both fell asleep for about 40 minutes this afternoon. So wiped out that I don't know if I'll make it until 9pm to watch Heroes tonight... But I sure darn well am going to try! (Kiddo, on the other hand, was miraculously rejuvenated by her 40ish minute nap and is still awake in her room, an hour after her bedtime, and apparently arranging some sort of birthday party for one of her stuffed animals by flashlight...)

So, that's the update from here. I swear to you (anyone who may still be reading at this point, that is) that starting tomorrow, this blog will go back to being bodily-explosion-description FREE. Promise!






*

24 comments:

Jennifer said...

"Funking"----ROFL!!!! You are too funny! OMG I feel your pain though--I had a similar abdominal situation at a grocery store--but, long story ugly--it involved the employees bathroom and a toilet that overflowed. I had to run for my life and abandon my shopping cart!

Good luck w/ all you're going through w/ the school and your daughter! I hope it all works out!!

Jennifer said...

Me again! Hey--I see on your blogroll you like Penn & Teller--me too!!

dddiva said...

OMG I am sorry for your pain, I have been there but since it wasn't me for once I am laughing at you, not with you. ;)
I hope they get your daughter's situation figured out so they get the help she needs.

Momof3 said...

I am telling you that from what I have heard about kiddo's school district, you won't get anywhere on your own.

Call that attorney that I told you about!

Texan Mama @ Who Put Me In Charge said...

Okay, is it disgusting that I think that was your funniest post EVAH? I love it! We've all been there - it's just that you have the guts to admit it! And write about it! In detail! So, thanks for that.

Vickie said...

Not to sound stalking, but I was thinking about you a few times this day. Hoping the school does it's job. I have heard school districts farting around with stuff like that and it angers me. Like I said before, we are a community.

Hoping you feel better, take some nice drugs and go to sleep. Let your husband take care of Kiddo in the morning:)

Vickie said...

BTW, I like your word, "funking".

WheresMyAngels said...

I HATE meetings at the school! I can still remember the time, I told the principle I was going to have an advocate come with me and he told me thanks for the warning so he could have more people at the meeting. WTH!

Sams Club makes me crap! ALWAYS

And don't use the Lysol spray, that just makes the "funk" stronger and stick to your clothes! Bleh!

nikkicrumpet said...

Come over to my blog please.

Andrea said...

I laughed out loud, hard and was very thankful I didn't have coffee in my mouth at the time! That is SO funny (afterwards anyway, I'm sure not so amusing during...)

I hope all the IEP stuff gets sorted out. You have sure been through enough in the small time I have been reading here.

Kristen said...

Congrates on winning george on Nikki's blog!!

I look forward to the video of the George song

Abounader Photography said...

OH I so hope that they do half or 3 quarters of what they promised you!!!

My name is Andy. said...

Poor Heather!!

You need to get some of this for your purse:

http://www.poopourri.net/

I really hope the school has their poop together this time!!

Hot Tub Lizzy said...

This post, my dear sweet friend, is SO going in the Blogging-Hall-Of-Fame... I may post a permanant link to it on my blog because I haven't laughed this hard in a LONG time...

Plus you added a new word... well... meaning for a word...

Funking...

HA HA!!!!!!!!!!

nikkicrumpet said...

Ozzie says....you're welcome...and you make a very tasty treat!

Outnumbered2to1 said...

Oh man, I feel for you and can I just say, I've been there. It was COSTCO for me. Hope you are feeling better.

Nora said...

ewww....Heather I laughed so hard I cried! Sorry friend, but it's true.
I suppose we've all been there at some time or other and can truly sympathize with you. Hope you feel better.
Love the new word...funk....
And, I think Oops I Crapped My Pants was one of the funniest bits on SNL ever...along with Alec Baldwins Shwetty Balls meat ball....I laugh just thinking about them. Classics among our family!
Nora

Chrystal said...

I almost peed myself cracking up at your funktale.

Yes, I've been there myself. WalMart was involved.

I've since moved across the country. Whew!

Queenie Jeannie said...

Oh my!!!! I have SOOOOOO been there, done that! I think we all have. You wrote so wonderfully about it though, lol!

Feeling better??

American in Norway said...

F U N N Y! Sorry you were feeling so FUNKY

Mrs4444 said...

That stinks!

Kristi Smith said...

I can completely relate. lol Too funny.

I can't believe you didn't want my sister's husband . . . he is a catch!!! If it helps your decision any . . . he has beautiful eyes and makes pretty babies. ;)

wheresmyangels sister

cocokrispybeans said...

Let me just tell you one thing:

The Great Indoors

I did not make it to the stall in time.

I no longer shop there.

Need I really say more?

Glad you're feeling better, babe.

Ann said...

I wish I could say this has never happened to me, but I'm no good at lying....lol! You are hilarious! My fave part is learning I'm not the only person who, upon "funking" up a bathroom, sits there wondering "do I leave...now? Wait? How long is this lady going to stand at the mirror?? What do I do??!!"

p.s. Without fail, when I take my daughter to Target, as soon as we make it to the farthest back corner, she is hit with "colon blow" and we have to run - well, no, walk quickly with cheeks clenched - all the way back up front to the restroom. And she's OCD and hates public restrooms, so you can be sure she HAS to go! Life is crazy, eh?