Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Things which are Thingish

"When you are a Bear of Very Little Brain, and you think of Things, you find sometimes that a Thing which seemed very Thingish inside you is quite different when it gets out in the open and has other people looking at it.” - A.A. Milne

I have, as I've said before (though not in that great of detail), many things. You know, things - if you were kind, you might call them quirks or idiosyncrasies, if you were not so kind, you might call them aberrations or neuroses. It's all in the phrasing, I suppose...

Anyhow, my things are things that I generally don't discuss much in public, lest someone begin to back slowly away from me, reaching for their cell phone to dial up the nice, young men in their clean, white coats to come and take me away. At the very least, I'd be afraid that folks would point and laugh. (You know you laughed, I heard you laugh!) It's all well and good to have folks laugh with one, but not so much at one, after all. Especially as my things are a little less Pooh Bear and a little more Howard Hughesian in their levels of quirk/neurosis.

The other day, however, a dear, bloggy friend of mine posted about how she recently locked herself out of her house. Margaret (who, okay, might not necessarily think of me so much as a dear friend perhaps, rather she is someone who writes a blog that I adore and stalk, leaving endless rambly comments upon it, as well stalking her on Twitter and Facebook...fortunately, she has yet to call in a restraining order on me) responded to the endless, rambly comment I left on this post and suggested that perhaps I ought to blog about what I commented about. So, as she is a much better writer and more fantabulous blogger than I could ever hope to be, I decided to take her advice.

Here, now, are some of my things, aired for the first time in public, or at least on my blog.

The thing which I wrote about over at Nanny Goats was my thing about locking myself out of my house. As I said over there:

Oh, I have such a THING about the possibility of locking myself out of my house and/or car. I even have a wristband on my keys so I can feel them dangling from my arm and *know* I haven't walked out the door without them. (I also have a carabiner clip on my purse that I attach them to at times instead of dangling them like so much gigantic bling from my forearm.) I also am sure to have my cell phone with me at all times, just in case I manage to somehow still misplace my keys, thereby locking myself out of somewhere.

Like, take for example, 25 minutes ago, when I exited my home to walk my daughter up to the corner to catch the bus to kindergarten. I was wearing my jammies with a Mickey Mouse baseball cap jammed down upon my bedhead, with keyring-bracelet dangling from the wrist above the hand in which I clutched my cell phone.

Also? I left the front door not only unlocked but open, in case, you know, the cat managed to push it closed, grow some opposable thumbs and then lock the deadbolt in the 4 minutes I was outdoors.

Also also? I actually thought to myself as we headed up the sidewalk "well, if *that* happens, the window over the kitchen sink is open." You know, so that if (a) I dropped my keys and they were sucked into a magical black hole that suddenly opened up in the sidewalk before me and closed before I could dive in after them, (b) the cat managed to implement her Evil Feline Plan and shut and lock the front door and (c) my cell phone suddenly spontaneously combusted and/or died, I'd *still* be able to get back inside, albeit by clambering through the smallest window in my home via the deck in my backyard.

Yes, I have such a thing about locking myself out that I actively plan alternate entries into my home.
Other things of mine? The list is endless....... For example, I won't eat Oreos or any Oreo-containing product in public, since I have a thing about Oreo bits getting stuck in my teeth. (They invariably do, mind you - this isn't a totally irrational fear. I can basically *look* at an Oreo and WHAM, brownish-black bits magically wedge themselves between all my front teeth, top and bottom.)

Here's a good one: I have a habit of safety-pinning any zipper fly's zipper shut. Okay, not so much a habit as yes, a thing. Suffice it to say I've been out in public with an XYZ situation occurring one too many times. Fool me once, shame on you, see London, France or my underpants twice and shame on me. Therefore, if I am wearing any type of pants or shorts or skirts - any bottoms with a zipper fly - odds are good I've got 'em pinned shut at the top just for good measure.

Speaking of clothing, I also have a thing about tags sticking out of shirt collars. You know how that happens, right? I have a thing about it to the degree that I will cut the tag out of any garment I own where it might poke up above the collar, and I've been known to reach out and tuck the tag back in to the top of random strangers in the produce section of the grocery store or the row in front of me at the movie theater... Thank heavens more manufacturers are making the tagless shirts - saves me a lot of "What on EARTH are you doing touching the back of my neck, you strange woman?!" encounters.

Should I go on? I've lost a couple of followers in recent weeks, is this now going to drive the rest of the faithful few away? Or is this going to be a place where you can come for affirmation that "Wow, I'm nowhere NEAR as thingy as Heather. Whew, I must be normal!"? Maybe I'll stop now and throw the comments open to you to share your things which are Thingish and make me feel a little less wonky. Or, you know, just so you can point and laugh. Whichever you prefer...


Carrie said...

I found my fly unzipped yesterday AND again today! I think I need to start pinning my zippers shut....

Em said...

No one, and I mean no one, can touch my calves. Makes mani/pedis pretty difficult.

Don't step on my pillow, or I will cut you.

And one day I know I'm going to pass out from holding my breath in order for me to watch my sons' breath while they sleep. Their 6 and 3 now, I think I can safely cross SIDS off my worry list.

They're called idiosyncrasies, and they make you, you. Embrace them!

All except the fly zipper pinning thing. That might lead to an embarrassing pee on the floor thingy.

Not good.

Givinya De Elba said...

I get THINGY, and I usually call my things "POLICIES."

Like, as you may remember I have a policy never to eat blue foods (but did you SEE what colour I iced a quarter of Sonny's birthday cupcakes? How brave of me.)

I have a policy to put the round metal bit from a keyring through my zipper tag and then just pop it over the button of my jeans before I do it up - similar to your pinning the zipper down.

And a bunch of other policies too. I just can't remember any others right now.

Creative Junkie said...

We all have things!

I'm not religious at all but if I don't include a "God forbid" before or after speaking of anything negative, I just know that I will be struck dead at that very moment.

I don't want anyone breathing on me. You can breath around me if you must, but not on me. UGH.

Don't touch my glasses, especially while they're on my face, if you value your fingers.

I cannot function without my key ring. It's a huge brass ring that I have had for, let's see now, 25 years? I don't know what I would do without it. I don't think I could leave my house.

I love pedicures, but for some reason, I cannot stand to have my second toe on each foot touched. I literally have to clench my teeth and try not to punch the technician.

Teresa said...

My alarm clock and I have special routine we share each night. I check to see when it's set for. Then check to make sure it's on. Then turn it on, to check the volume. Then turn it off, and check the time and if it's set to go off again (because i might have accidentally screwed it up while checking the volume.) Then I figure out what i'm doing the next day (even if it's the exact same thing every day) and what time I need to be up to be ready. Then I check to make sure the alarm is set to that time. And that it's on.
Then I get in bed. Just in case getting in bed somehow caused me to accidentally bump the clock and reset it, I roll over and check the setting one more time -- time and on/off switch. Then I check to make sure the am/pm thing is right for both the alarm setting, and the current time setting. Then I check the alarm settings one last time, and drift off to sleep.

Yes, I have an alarm clock with battery back up in case of power failure.

Yes, I still do this even if I don't have an alarm set for the next day (in which case i'm checking and re-checking to make sure it's off and won't wake me up unnecessarily).

If I have a super important morning (like an interview) I also set the alarm on my cell phone as back up.

Is that Thingy enough?

Femina said...

I have many THINGS, but some are THINGIER than others. Like, if you're chewing something, DON'T stand next to me or (far, far worse) behind me when I'm at my computer. I don't care if you're the sweetest little frail old 97 year old lady, I will probably kill you.

Ronnica said...

I'd love to say, "Haha, you ARE so much thingier than me!" but that's be refuted by anyone who's ever lived with me. I'm definitely quite thingy myself.

Jen said...

I just found you through NGIP and I think we were separated at birth. Margaret and I were discussing, in email, the idea of having a note that explains what to do in the event we were to become dead or otherwise incapacitated. This is how I responded to her thought that good Samaritans would not bother to look for the note even though the thieves and bad guys would(she was responding to my comment about the keys on her blog):

"I've also considered that good Samaritans would be too polite to go through my things to find this note. I have thought maybe if I wrote a note on my forehead with directions to look in my pocket then everything would be okay and I could sleep at night. Seriously, I think about this kind of stuff all day long. I don't worry so much about weighing down the car but apparently my brother worries about the size of my key ring and mentions, whenever he sees it, that I will scratch the heck out of my door with all those keys. And then I will have to live with scratches and dings since it isn't worth fixing or going through insurance. Luckily they have the little key fobs, which I worry about using too often and wearing out the magic that makes them work, so I don't have to scratch my door unless the battery wears out. I hang the keys on the hook right by the back door, I do this when I come in, right away, so I don't lose my keys. Last night, I swear this is true, I stood in my kitchen and thought to myself that A. anyone could break the door window, reach down and unlock the lock and then get my keys to steal my car and B. I forgot what B was but it was enough to keep me up half the night worrying about it. I've had these thoughts before but never actually get around to do anything about them since I have barky the wonder dog and really don't need to worry about people breaking in unless they have not properly cased my house and don't realize I have a dog in which case I have considered putting a sign on my back door window explaining that I indeed have a big dog."

I mentioned to my neighbor the other day that she had left her patio umbrella outside all winter and on really windy days I was sure it was going to take flight, go straight up into the air and then come down on my kid, the dog or me and impale one of us. She just looked at me like I was crazy. Seriously it gets really windy sometimes, it could happen...

Mammatalk said...

What's worse...having a few things or thinking you don't have any things? Nobody likes thing denial.

Debbie said...

So, do you have any trouble getting the pin out of the zipper in the bathroom? That would make me nervous too!
And I hate that collar tag thing. But I won't let my kids cut the tags out of their shirts. I use the "dot" system to identify which clothes belong to which kid and that would totally mess me up!
Not that I have a "thing" about it:)

Anonymous said...

I am totally squicked out by loud noise. Concerts are nearly unbearable for me.

I obsessively check locks on doors and windows in case a serial killer is roaming the neighborhood.

Lori E said...

First of all look at the beginning of the word idiosyncrasies isn't that like idiotic, idiot etc. I think we need to change that word to some like specialsyncracies. That would describe us better.
Now don't ever touch my feet. Got that. Good.
Got a piece of flannelette. I will rub it between my fingers until the thing disintegrates. I love the bumpies it forms. Freak.
Like my blog says "Family Trees May Contain Nuts"

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Heather, I'm so flattered! Gosh, I'm blushing and flustered and my head is listing to the left now, thanks to you. You are so sweet and generous, and I'm glad to see you expanded on your comment on my blog to create a full blown THING on yours! And even though we've never met IRL, I consider you a good bloggy friend, too! This was a great post to read, I thoroughly enjoyed it. And everyone else will too because it's honest and funny and endearing.


just the five of us said...

I am so glad that there is someone else out there who has a thing with teeth! I am constantly checking my teeth. I cannot stand something stuck in my teeth.

I also have an ear wax fetish! Probably the only one in the world who checks their kids ears. I teach school and have had to restrain myself from q-tipping some kids' ear! The balls of wax oozing out of some kids ear just makes me want to clean.